Muddy Waters Coffee House


1305 Valencia (at 24th Street)

These places are alway buzzing with people, but I can’t figure out why.  This is an old-school coffee-house, one of several in San Francisco. The three I’ve been to are all about the same, always dirty, and don’t talk to the hippies – they will either try to sell you something (because those trust funds just aren’t holding up in this economy anymore), or they’ll rope you into helping them find resolve for some deeply rooted childhood issue.

I came here for Wi-Fi and a bathroom and while ordering my decaf-drip I noticed that the Wi-Fi password is “bluefig” which is another, seemingly (haven’t been there) much more fancy café near by.  I think what the Barista explained was that the owner of the Muddy Waters chain also owns Blue Fig. This guy has built an empire in coffee houses, not a bad thing; however, It seems to have triggered a more critical reaction in me.  I’ve got nothing against a good stripped down, old-school, coffee-house, but the Zen, counter-top, fountain I’m sitting next to is full of stagnate, smelly water – either that, or something dead and rotting is near by.

The bathroom was disgusting and contained NO paper products at all, not even toilette paper.  There is nothing classier than being buzzed into a dirty bathroom that probably only gets cleaned after every third or fourth homeless bath takes place there in – I’m going to speculate further to say that the barista controlled remote lock insures the homeless little access, and this clearly means the “john” sees very few buckets of bleach water.  Furthermore, The “Hershey’s Kisses” stuck to the toilette’s water tank make me wonder if my assumptions about the meaning of Muddy Waters were correct, or if I was way off base.

Fine, this place is some kind of San Francisco staple. It is the long-standing resident antithesis of the douche-coffee coffee houses that seems to be terraforming what every new coffee-house looks, tastes, and acts like, but honestly, this is unpleasant.  I know what you are thinking, “You’re just in a bad mood because you are drinking decaf you idiot.”

Touché my reader, touché.

This is why I’m not going to go into the coffee so much, but I will say this isn’t a bad decaf-drip. Its got a little body to it, and it isn’t weak. Points for that.

Free Wireless: Yes – No time limit
Refills: Don’t care – don’t want to be here too long.
Food: Bagels, pastries, cookies, standard fare
Price: $  of  $$$ (Small drip $1.75)
Coffee Method: (Filtered Drip by the pot)
Coffee Favor:

  • Douche Brew
  • Artisan Brew
    • Standard
  • Brown Water
  • Dirty Water

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